Telling Them About It
by SilverWolf7
Summary: Lucifer tells Ella, Dan, Trixie and Chloe about the reasons why he's so angry lately. A part of the Talking It Through universe.
1. Ella

4 part story. This one continues on from Talking It Through, in which Lucifer is having a bit of trouble right now controlling his anger, due to the abuse he's going through from his mum.

* * *

Ella

Doctor Linda had made him promise to go to his friends and close colleagues to tell them why he had been losing his temper more often than not recently and, while he had ran out of that session early, he had not immediately gone to tell anyone.

He had needed to do some major thinking first, mainly about in order of doing things and then what he'd say to each individual.

He had four people to go through after all. His partner and best friend who he cared for deeply, her ex husband and his growing friendship with him and their new forensics specialist.

Dan and Chloe's daughter Beatrice was the last of the four he had to tell and he was saving that one until last, because she was only an impressionable 8 year old and she was the one he was afraid of scarring mentally forever by the talk he'd have to give her to get her to understand why he was yelling at her.

But, he had chosen to do Ella first, as her relationship with him was the simplest. It was a normal every day common working relationship with a healthy dose of normal, healthy every day friendship mixed in. He liked her, but he didn't want her in any other way other than a friend.

Ella was uncomplicated, probably the only uncomplicated friendship he had.

He had waited until the detectives had gone back to their respective flats, before moving into the lab which was the space in which Ella Lopez generally could be found while working.

The radio was on, blaring out classic rock while Ella had her face buried in a microscope's eye lens to see what she could pick up from whatever case it was she was working on.

This was her domain, and she made it her home as much as her actual house was. Unless she lived in a flat too, like the rest of them now did. Things were beginning to get a bit complicated in his life lately, since the return of his mother. But his penthouse above Lux would always be his home.

He watched her for a bit, not worried at all that she would turn him away when she realised he was in the room, as she was always eager and ready for a chat with a friendly face. He also expected to be...

"Lucifer! Come here you," she stated as she looked up from her microscope and spotted him, pulling him into a hug.

He awkwardly patted her back in return, still unsure and uneasy with touch.

"So! I didn't know you were working a case right now?"

He shook his head. "I'm not. I'm actually here on advice from my therapist..."

Ella's eyebrows rose up and she grinned. "Okay! What did she want you to say to me? Keep you away from any churches in the foreseeable future?"

Jokes, she did have a weird sense of humour, which oddly tended to match his.

He managed to crack a grin at her. "Uh, no, nothing to do with churches. Well, not unless you plan on dying in one while bleeding out in my arms and then we can really avoid it."

She blinked at him. "What does that have anything to do with your therapist?"

He frowned, now confused. He wasn't following this conversation very well at all. "Nothing. You're the one that brought up church."

She came at him again, wrapping her arms around his waist and holding him close. "I'm sorry. I forgot about what happened with your brother for a second there..."

He shrugged out of her grasp and took a few steps back. "Speaking of traumatic memories, this is hard enough as it is without being completely side tracked by things that don't even have anything to do with this."

Ella smiled at him, took a step back herself and pulled the piece of glass under the microscope lens out, before packing it safely away. "Alright, so hit me with whatever it is you need to say then."

"I would like to apologise for my recent behaviour. I've been acting out a lot lately and taking my anger out on everyone even remotely close to me."

She smiled at him. "Aww, an official apology! That's sweet. Thanks, but I've already forgiven you for it."

He shook his head. "It's not just an apology. Doctor Linda also wanted me to give the reasons why. Or as much as that as I am comfortable with."

She nodded her head, sat down on her bench and patted the table next to her. "Well get over here and tell me then."

Taking a deep breath, he went up to where she was sitting, leaned against the bench and stared at the surface. Well, the part that wasn't covered in papers on whatever it was she was working on. He fought the temptation to peek at her files.

"Umm, I think it's no surprise to anyone, but I didn't exactly have the best childhood. My dad neglected me and kicked me out and forced me into a job I hated. My mum...well, since she got back into my life, I've been remembering things she said or did or completely ignored. I've been working through all that in therapy and...Well, I remembered even more things she did and some of the things she's beginning to start up again now."

Ella's eyes grew wide. "Oh wow. You aren't bruised so I'm guessing it's not physical..."

He closed his eyes. "No, nothing like that. I mean I had an easy target with my dad, because he basically ignored me and what was going on. He wasn't there, so he was an outlet and I blamed him for everything. And then suddenly mum's back in my life and I have gone through thinking she's going to kill me to thinking she was killing the people on my cases to thinking she was the perfect being of all perfect beings. It's been a rollercoaster. But, no, it's all emotional."

Ella patted the hand closest to her and gave him a sympathetic smile, but thankfully there was no pity there. She didn't feel sorry for him, though she probably wished it didn't happen. "Well, thanks for telling me. It makes me understand you a bit better actually. Why you have such trouble with emotions. You probably don't know how to emotion properly."

"Don't know how to...what, Miss Lopez?"

She laughed and gave his arm a friendly punch. "Come on, maybe having your friends on your side will help you to be more grounded when your mom is having a go at you now she's back in your life. It must be hard. I can't even begin to understand. I've never been abused. Two loving parents and four older loving brothers."

He shifted. "Do you think it will help?"

She nodded. "Sure! Some of the people who go to my church are survivors of abuse of all sorts, so I've heard that it does help to have friends on your side no matter what."

He let out his breath and nodded. "Okay, that's good to know. Umm, do you have any idea how I should tell the detective?'

"Chloe or Dan?"

"Both. Doctor Linda says the more people I have as friends and ally's the better, but I just don't have that many friends."

"Well, you have me and the detectives. That's plenty enough fighting in your corner. You'll do fine. As to what to say to them, just tell them what you did me."

He took in a deep breath and let it out. "Okay. Thanks. I need to go now. Bye."

"See ya. And good luck with the others. Not that you'll need it much with Chloe."

He grinned. "Thanks."

And with that out of the way, he felt a bit lighter, not necessarily from having told someone, but at knowing someone was willing to stand up and help him outside of Detective Decker and Doctor Linda.

It was a good feeling. He hoped it lasted after he talked to Dan...


	2. Dan

Dan

For someone who did a bit of improv every now and then and had basically no other commitments outside work and seeing his daughter, Detective Daniel Espinoza was hard to track down. After two days of trying to pin him down on his own, he finally got hold of the perfect way to chat to him without anyone else around.

He cornered him at work, by his desk and stayed there until he would talk to him privately. It really was the only way. And he had promised to not impersonate him again like he had at an attempt to find someone else to be, during a freak-out over hurting everyone he cared about.

Still, Dan was kind of pissed off with him for cornering him like this and it wasn't the best way to do things, but he really wanted this conversation to remain private. So, he took him to the one place he knew was safe to talk. Ella's lab.

Ella already knew, after all, what he was going to say.

"What do you want, Lucifer? I'm going to go home if you don't hurry up and tell me."

"No! Wait. It's just...hard to talk about."

Dan rolled his eyes at him. "Well, unless an apology is in there somewhere, I don't care."

"But it is! I am apologising. For my behaviour in the recent past at least. I have been really tightly wound lately and I have been taking it out on everyone, including you. And yeah, you don't deserve that. You're a decent enough human being even with being a douche."

Dan crossed his arms and glared at the douche comment, but raised an eyebrow, knowing the apology wasn't what he wanted to say.

"Yes, I know, it's not much, but it is an apology. I've been dealing with some heavy emotional crap in my life and I didn't mean to take it out on anyone. Doctor Linda thinks it's because I feel safer with others now..."

Holding up a hand, the other man frowned and looked confused. At least he no longer looked like he was going to pick a fight. "Safer?'

He nodded. "Yeah. With my mum coming back into my life, everything has been majorly disrupted. You know I was terrified of her killing me to begin with. And then I kept thinking she was the killer on all our cases. You think my mum was a ray of sunshine if I kept thinking her a killer?"

Dan blinked and the frown deepened. 'I remember those times. Took a while before you settled back into letting things be as they are instead of a mom related incident. Until you went off the rails. What happened there?"

"My brother died. In my arms. That's not the important part here though. I'm trying to tell you that my mum is not a good person and was even worse with me than she is to anyone else. And as far as I know she hasn't killed anyone since her return."

Dan stared at him. "You're worrying about telling me about your abusive mom when your brother died in your arms? You are one strange man."

"Not a man per se, but thank you. And yes, he left me quite...untethered. It was really hard to get through the past few months without going completely mad, but the worst of that is over for the time being. Still having really bad days though."

"Shit, Lucifer, why didn't you say something? You were supposed to have two weeks mourning period from working here."

He blinked. "I did have the two weeks. It started a few weeks late, but I did get it. I wasn't exactly fit to do much of anything. But once Doctor Linda got over her freak out over me, she's been a really big help."

"Yeah, never thought I'd say this, but at least I know therapy is working for you."

He shrugged. "It has been a help. Especially with emotions. My mum really screwed me up with emotions. As Ella put it, I don't know how to emotion properly. Which is true. My reactions come off as all wrong."

"Yeah I think everyone here at the precinct has already figured that out. Well, I don't know why you told me, but I won't tell anyone else."

Frowning, Lucifer got up from where he was once again leaning on Ella's desk. "I thought we were friends now, or becoming friends. Doctor Linda said I should apologise and explain why to the people I'm closest to and, like it or not, that does include you. It's not like I have many people I can even consider friends. Plenty of people I play with but not actual friends. And all those are here at the police station, not at Lux."

"So...can I ask about how she treated you wrong?"

"Emotionally. I mean, last time it happened she turned everyone who cared about me so completely against me, she got me thrown out for _asking a question_. Anything I said was wrong, everything I did was bad. Nothing I said in my defence was ever believed. I became known for lying, even though I never lie."

"Wow. Good thing you're already in therapy or I'd suggest it."

And that was just such a Dan thing to say that instead of making him feel bad, it instead relaxed him. It's not like anything he had just said was a lie. "Yes. Like I am sure you already figured out, it's where I got my complex of hating myself so strongly. Like you said, I got issues. But I really don't think I'd be able to go through all that again, and she's already starting her tricks up again. Except this time I'm not some dumb kid or stupid teen. I'm fully grown and can see what she is doing to a certain extent, but I am still partially blind to it, because...well, she's my mum. I love her."

Dan walked up to him and clapped him on the shoulder. "That's a lot to deal with. Alright, I get my part in this. And unless you do something really stupid, I'll stick with you."

He nodded. "Just make sure whatever you're accusing me of is something I actually did myself. If you didn't see me do it in person, suspect I didn't first. Don't listen to rumour. Go by what you know about me."

Dan nodded his head, looked to the door and gave him a look he couldn't identify. "Look, I got to go now. But it was nice talking to you. Good luck with the therapy and all. If anyone needs it here, it's you."

He nodded and let he detective walk out the room, leaving him alone, until he heard Ella's voice behind him.

"Finally got him cornered, huh?"

He jumped slightly and spun around. "Yes. Not as dickish as I was expecting, but he will stick to his guns. And, by the way, he has a nice set of guns on him. Damn, his body is fit."

Ella laughed and patted his shoulder. "Good luck with the other two."

He grimaced and nodded, knowing he'd need it. Thankfully, he had already set himself up as a babysitter for the weekend while Chloe and Dan go to a work conference. Maze was on a job right now and Beatrice wouldn't want to be left with a babysitter she doesn't care about.

He had the whole week ahead of him to get used to what he would say to an impressionable and intriguing young girl about the kind of abuse he went through.


	3. Trixie

Trixie

He had soon been established into Maze's room. The good thing about that is he had all her sex toys to play with and some could be quite fun on his own. The bad side was that meant he had to be quiet because impressionable 8 year old child.

Still, he had been strangely attached to this certain human spawn since he had met her and heard of how she had punished her bully.

He liked young Beatrice because she reminded him of himself. She knew the right way to bribe someone and people's prices they were willing to pay up. Her way of manipulation worked on most people, with the exception of her mother. And even then it sometimes worked. And of course her desire to punish those who wrong the people she cares about and herself.

He realised within five minutes that she was going to be both the easiest and hardest person to talk to about this. The easiest because he knew he could trust her implicitly. The hardest because he knew he'd have to tame what he says down for a younger audience. Still, as the night crept up on them and they had just finished dinner (she really enjoyed his cooking as she should) and he had decided to indulge her in her desire to watch a movie as she munched on the piece of chocolate cake put away for her for that night.

She had confessed to him she made a deal with her dad about getting him out of the house without telling her mum once. She had dressed Dan up in Chloe's clothes and sent him on his way without him being seen. In return she got a piece of chocolate cake every night for an entire year.

Dad help him, he may truly adore this child and her deviousness.

How she was not sick of chocolate cake by now was beyond him, yet he did know that a deal made everything sweeter.

He ended up sitting through The Little Mermaid with her. He found it oddly charming, if the heroine a complete idiot. Talk about a bad deal... Still, he could relate to the not fitting in. Seriously though, the only smart character was the bad guy, and she was killed by a boat when she let power get to her head.

"Lucifer?"

"Hmm?"

"Are you staying away from mommy again?" she asked, her voice not accusing but simply interested in the answer.

"What? No! What gave you that idea?"

"She's been angry at you for weeks now."

He shifted and sighed. "Ah. No I haven't been avoiding her. But I did yell at her like I did you that one time. And your dad. And Miss Lopez."

She looked at him with big innocent eyes and his insides twisted. How did she know to bring this up before he did himself? The girl was persistent and perceptive. "Why did you yell at everyone?"

He shrugged. "Because I was sad and angry. I had a brother who died and my mum came back from...being locked up for a long time."

She sat up at that and leaned into his side, making him freeze. "She is bad?"

He gulped. "Yes, she is bad. And she was bad to me. She made a lot of people believe things about me that are not true and made them hate me. She convinced my dad to chuck me out of the house. She would yell at me that everything was my fault until I believed it. She called me bad names and a liar and the others all believed her over me."

Small arms wrapped around his waist. "She was a really bad bully."

He usually wouldn't do what he ended up doing, but he was getting used to touch now between Beatrice always clamping down on his legs or waist and Ella hugging him at every chance she got. He lifted the arm on the side she was leaning against and pulled her closer to him, seeking the heat and comfort she was offering him. He knew she hated bullies.

"Yes, she was. And she's going to try all this again, because she's back and wanting me in her life again."

Beatrice laid her head against his chest, over his heart. The sound seemed to soothe her. "Maybe you should tell mommy and she can lock her up again for you?"

He grinned at that. "If only it were that easy. First she'd have to do something to prove she had done something wrong. And so far, there is nothing that could be considered bad to do that with. Last time she hurt a lot of people, some died because of her. She's... She's really not a good person at all."

With his free hand he began to play with her hair, as it was there in front of him and he needed to do something with his hands or he'd start smoking and he had promised Chloe he wouldn't smoke inside around Beatrice.

After a few minutes, he felt her breath deepen and he waited a while longer, before picking the now slumbering girl up and taking her to her bedroom, to get her in bed. He looked at the clock and saw it was 9pm. Well, it was an hour past the time Chloe wanted her in bed, but he wouldn't tell if she didn't. And she was in bed and asleep at least.

He went outside and had his smoke along with a glass of whiskey from one of the top shelves that the girl couldn't reach. Thankfully Maze always made sure a bottle was ready for him if he came to visit.

He went to Maze's room shortly after. He didn't bother even touching the sex toys. He found he wasn't in the mood.


	4. Chloe

Chloe

He decided to hold his conversation with Chloe at his penthouse. It was the best location to have it, because he could run off to his room and bury himself under his sheets if she ran off on hm.

He wasn't scared, like Linda said he was. No, he was...he was really nervous, that's it.

Chloe was his best friend, the person he was closest to, had ever been closest to in his very long lifespan. He had no idea what else to do if she ran away from him other than go to bed and cry.

He had been pacing for the past 5 minutes after he had invited her over to talk. She had sounded suspicious, but he swore he wasn't using this as a way to get in her pants. As unusual as the thought was, he was not in the mood for sex.

No, this was definitely not about sex, or anything even remotely like it. Chloe knew about his brother dying, but he hadn't gone into too much detail and she knew that was what made him go off the rails.

He had even confessed in a room with her in it that his mum had abandoned him when he had needed her on his side the most. She had to suspect things hadn't been very good. But she had never pushed for that information unless it interfered with the job and it had several times.

A ding from the lift was heard and he startled, his head whipping around to watch as Chloe walked in, her arms crossed as if expecting him to be...well, himself.

"Uh, hello. Please, can we sit down for this?" he said, before anything else, gesturing to the couch.

She walked over and sat in one of the armchairs. Actually thankful for this, he sat himself down in the other one.

"What's this about, Lucifer? Maze is supposed to be getting back tonight and is expecting to have whiskey waiting for her when she does get back."

He grinned at that. "Yes, our Mazie does love a good hard drink after a job well done. Catch her bad guy then? That's good. Things get quiet really fast without her around."

Chloe nodded but kept quiet and it made him nervous. He shifted in his seat. "I wanted to apologise for my behaviour, detective. I know I was lashing out at everyone these past few weeks. I just... Well, it started really with a few pretty hard breakthrough sessions. And with the death of my brother still so recent it was just a bit too much for me and I began taking it out on everyone close to me. I really didn't mean to."

He saw Chloe relax into the chair and it made him feel a bit better. He knew he had been upsetting her to the point where she didn't like talking to him lately. Beatrice thought that he was avoiding her, but he hadn't been. It was actually the other way around.

"Thank you for the apology. You really hurt me, you know?"

He closed his eyes. "I know, I just... I was so angry at my mum and was taking that out mainly on you I think because..." he trailed off, because he had no idea how to end that sentence.

She nodded and tried to fill in the blank, "Because I'm a mom too, and it made me a viable target?"

He grimaced and shrugged. "I guess. I don't really know why I took it out on you more than anyone else, but I've been really worried about this talk. Doctor Linda thinks it's more to do with you being safe."

She looked up at him confused with that one. "What does that mean? Safe for what?"

"I don't know! I think she meant that you and the others are just... Friends aren't supposed to abandon friends, are they? And for the first time in my life, I find I have actual friends and all I seem to do is muck everything up because I can't hold my bloody temper."

He rubbed at his forehead and suddenly wished that they were not having this talk. At all. He hated it even needed to be said.

Chloe got up and walked to his bar, picking out a bottle of whiskey and pouring a generous amount into one of the first glasses she found. After a few seconds, she poured one for him too and bought it over. "I'm guessing this has something to do with your mom then."

He scowled. "Yes, it does. Since she came back into my life my mind has been latching on to her as the bad guy, as you've noticed. First she was trying to kill me, and then she was the killer at all the murders we come across. And then nothing bad happened and I got complacent and let her in again..."

Chloe's eyes began to widen. "Has she been hitting you?'

He shook his head. "No, her abuse is all emotional. Psychological. She tears me down. Calls me names, makes others turn against me. Got me kicked out of the house. She's the one who set me up to rule Hell, did you know that? I want her to be punished, so that's what I am doing. Punishing her. But she's begun to adjust and it's no longer working. She's beginning to do her old tricks to me again and I'm afraid that you are all going to turn against me or that she might hurt you all for not doing so. That once more I'm going to lose everything I have and suffer because she is obsessed with keeping me at her side. I don't know what to do, and I can't stand the thought of being abandoned again. But she's my mum and I love her and everything's so confusing and I don't know what to do and I'm _scared_."

He was panting by the time he got to the end of his rant and he found himself buried in a hug, with her clinging tightly to him. "You listen to me, alright? Yes, I was angry at you for yelling at me, and yes, I am letting that go now I know why you have been. But I am not going to ever abandon you. I'm not your mother. I have always and will always do the right thing by my own daughter. And I would never hurt her to hurt her. You're my best friend, Lucifer. Why would you ever think I would just leave?"

He shrugged his shoulders and buried his head against her shoulder, aware that he was leaking from the eyes.

He refused to call it crying. He wasn't sobbing his heart out.

"Lucifer? Why?"

She wasn't going to let it go until he answered, but he was afraid to open his mouth just then, in case he did start sobbing. He took a shallow breath in and took his chances. "She turned everyone against me! My brothers and sisters all turned their backs on me. Dad threw me out. And she just watched as it all happened. She ruined my life. She seriously screwed me over emotionally. I was abandoned by everyone I loved, why would you think I wouldn't worry about that happening again?! It hurts, Chloe. It hurts and it will never stop hurting. All I want is for it to just end, be over. But instead of making up for what she did in the past, she is beginning it all over again, and I only know this, because Doctor Linda can see the signs in me and helped me work things out with her behaviour and patterns. And I am seriously freaking out over it. Shit, _I'm crying_!"

Chloe refused to let him go as he began to try and squirm out of her grip without hurting her, but he couldn't. She was holding on way too tightly.

"Shh, Lucifer, just accept comfort and cry. It's something you obviously needed as a kid and didn't get."

He let out a pathetic sound he didn't even know how to explain, before giving in, gripping her back and doing exactly as she asked of him.

He didn't cry this hard after he had killed Uriel. His body shook and was rocked by sobs. The ugly sound of him bawling was the only sound in the penthouse. His eyes were swollen and waterlogged, his nose was leaking mucous all over her top and he was drooling right along with it, because he couldn't close his mouth. He also had trouble breathing. He had never understood the term ugly crying until just then.

By the time he calmed down, he was so utterly spent he couldn't lift his head up. Chloe ended up manoeuvring him into as comfy a position as he was going to get in the armchair he was in, wrapped him in the blanket that sat in the box at the foot of his bed for cooler weather and cleaned up his face.

He was barely conscious of it, but he knew it happened. He woke up with a pounding headache the next day and she went off to work without him. She left his phone nearby on the coffee table in easy reach in case he wanted to talk.

After she had left and he felt a little energy returning to his aching body, he reached out for the phone and called Linda.

"I told her," he stated.

He could tell his therapist was pleased by the tone of her voice. "That's a good thing, Lucifer. But usually you'd call to make an appointment, not tell me that."

"I can't move. I'm so utterly drained of energy...I don't think I could get up to go to an appointment right now."

"Over the phone then?"

He sighed and relaxed as much as he could into his comfy furniture. "Yes, or you come here."

"I'm not comfortable conducting sessions in people's homes, you know this. Over the phone is fine."

He sighed. "Okay."

And he told her all that happened.


End file.
